Tripping

I don't know what matters. I don't know if it matters whether I get up or write or pay my bills or pretend I know what I'm doing. I'm tripping. Will my large cup of Earl Grey help? It's kind of asking a lot.

It feels dark. I worry about cancer. I worry I'll be taking care of people the rest of my life. I worry other people will have to take care of me because I didn't plan right.

Maybe two therapists isn't enough. Maybe I need therapy more than once a week. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to "have a nervous breakdown." But then I would have bigger messes to clean up after I got some rest.

Everything feels fucked up.

Yet, I have a holiday party to go to tonight. Which I'm kind of looking forward to. I have some meetings. I have to wash my hair and make a good impression. I think I can do that. I know how. I have to listen. I have to listen for the one thing that I can contribute. It might come at the end of the meeting, or in the middle. But it always comes.

I'm going to take a shower. I'm going to finish my tea. I'm going to fake it til I make it.