Celebrating December 24.
The task: connect the dots.
#1) It's difficult for me to completely shut down for business. I noticed that I did not leave an out-of-office reply or change my voicemail. They might seem like dumb things to do, because you know you are going to sneak a few peaks at your email. Everyday. But when you activate those "closed for business" messages, it's a signal to the world that you are really turning your ringer down, and may even go temporarily off-grid.
Then I thought, it's just how I am. I'm always open for business. If you are my son and you have a situation, it could be a broken heart or just an ingrown toenail that is causing you pain, and you come into my sanctuary, even if it's my birthday, and let's say you ask for some medical attention, or any kind of attention, chances are I'll drop what I'm doing and take care of that business. I'm that way.
I'm that way about sex. I just don't close for business. Why should I? I'd rather take care of our business now.
Some people like to let their phones go to voicemail. Then they take their sweet time getting back to you. Or maybe they never do because they know you're going to call them back anyway. So they let your needs rise to up into earshot or you just go away.*
I'm the kind that always answers the phone. Always have been. Even if I'm in the deepest sleep. And in the same way, even when I am woken up for sex, I almost never say, "Sorry. Closed for business."
#2) The cause-and-effect seemingly embedded in these two sentences:
"Seeing a friend you've known since you were 28...and who is very, very happy. And finally not wanting to fuck him."
Does it imply that I only want to fuck the unhappy or emotionally crippled?
I'm wondering now. I've said more than once, "I see the pain in their eyes and I'm drawn like a moth to the flame." I'm not saying I'm some fucking saint who wants to fix everyone by fucking. I think I'm good with happy, too. I'm probably like most women, or... I don't know. Is it about "over-giving"?
Donna Britt connects these dots:
"Though I'd long been bewildered by my penchant for offering so much, writing a memoir forced me to dig deeply enough to realize that my over-giving was connected to the mysterious, decades-ago death of my brother at the hands of police in my Gary, Indiana, hometown." It's fascinating and perturbing.
In my case it's not too dark, just unsettling.
Because I am truly happy for my old friend. If we ever did fuck it was back in the day when at least one of us was single. If that ever happened. But happy? Who knows.
To stay sexually on-call is to stay 'on-grid,' as it were. It's a certain zen, to always be up for an invigorating off-hours business call or a fuck in a hallway or say parking garage. It's being in the moment, not building a goddam shrine around sex. I don't have time for that. Fucking is raw humanness with the added element of the sublime.
I guess that's the connection: staying open for biz...equals staying in love...equals what? staying on the grid? equals staying available to spontaneity?
Or does staying on the grid equal staying available to other people's needs equal exactly what's wrong with me?
I guess when you go off grid, you want to go off at the same time with the right people. Or alone.
*My daughter almost never answers her phone. And rarely returns calls. But she's so fucking delightful you can't stay mad at her for more than a second. She has a winning smile and a focus on you when you are in her aura that is genuine and uplifting. When you want her, you learn to shoot her a text and speed dial her number in a one-two punch. If you do that, generally, you can count on hearing from her within a reasonably short time. Unless she's off-grid, usually with close friends. Or if I'm really lucky, I'm off-grid with her.
The task: connect the dots.
#1) It's difficult for me to completely shut down for business. I noticed that I did not leave an out-of-office reply or change my voicemail. They might seem like dumb things to do, because you know you are going to sneak a few peaks at your email. Everyday. But when you activate those "closed for business" messages, it's a signal to the world that you are really turning your ringer down, and may even go temporarily off-grid.
Then I thought, it's just how I am. I'm always open for business. If you are my son and you have a situation, it could be a broken heart or just an ingrown toenail that is causing you pain, and you come into my sanctuary, even if it's my birthday, and let's say you ask for some medical attention, or any kind of attention, chances are I'll drop what I'm doing and take care of that business. I'm that way.
I'm that way about sex. I just don't close for business. Why should I? I'd rather take care of our business now.
Some people like to let their phones go to voicemail. Then they take their sweet time getting back to you. Or maybe they never do because they know you're going to call them back anyway. So they let your needs rise to up into earshot or you just go away.*
I'm the kind that always answers the phone. Always have been. Even if I'm in the deepest sleep. And in the same way, even when I am woken up for sex, I almost never say, "Sorry. Closed for business."
#2) The cause-and-effect seemingly embedded in these two sentences:
"Seeing a friend you've known since you were 28...and who is very, very happy. And finally not wanting to fuck him."
Does it imply that I only want to fuck the unhappy or emotionally crippled?
I'm wondering now. I've said more than once, "I see the pain in their eyes and I'm drawn like a moth to the flame." I'm not saying I'm some fucking saint who wants to fix everyone by fucking. I think I'm good with happy, too. I'm probably like most women, or... I don't know. Is it about "over-giving"?
Donna Britt connects these dots:
"Though I'd long been bewildered by my penchant for offering so much, writing a memoir forced me to dig deeply enough to realize that my over-giving was connected to the mysterious, decades-ago death of my brother at the hands of police in my Gary, Indiana, hometown." It's fascinating and perturbing.
In my case it's not too dark, just unsettling.
Because I am truly happy for my old friend. If we ever did fuck it was back in the day when at least one of us was single. If that ever happened. But happy? Who knows.
To stay sexually on-call is to stay 'on-grid,' as it were. It's a certain zen, to always be up for an invigorating off-hours business call or a fuck in a hallway or say parking garage. It's being in the moment, not building a goddam shrine around sex. I don't have time for that. Fucking is raw humanness with the added element of the sublime.
I guess that's the connection: staying open for biz...equals staying in love...equals what? staying on the grid? equals staying available to spontaneity?
Or does staying on the grid equal staying available to other people's needs equal exactly what's wrong with me?
I guess when you go off grid, you want to go off at the same time with the right people. Or alone.
*My daughter almost never answers her phone. And rarely returns calls. But she's so fucking delightful you can't stay mad at her for more than a second. She has a winning smile and a focus on you when you are in her aura that is genuine and uplifting. When you want her, you learn to shoot her a text and speed dial her number in a one-two punch. If you do that, generally, you can count on hearing from her within a reasonably short time. Unless she's off-grid, usually with close friends. Or if I'm really lucky, I'm off-grid with her.
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