Being #2 is kind of a mind fuck.
You can really get stuck in being #2.
I'm thinking of a few different ways in which I've been #2 in my life. For like my whole life. When you are #2, you get used to saying, "Go ahead, #1. I'm good. I'll go after you. Take what you want. Really. No, go ahead and take the breast. I don't mind the leg."
You get used to sloppy seconds. You get used to letting other people go first. It's more polite to go second. But do you get to say what you really want to say and do what you really want to do? It's a mind fuck because it's internalized sexism which functions the same way as internalized racism or colonialism. You expect that the Man or the White Person or the Master are going to go first and take what they want. And you're just glad you're not last. Though often you are, especially if there are only two positions in line. You know what I'm talking about.
It's even hard to write about because it feels ungrateful or wrongly assertive. Worse, "unladylike." Whoa. Where does that shit come from?
All I know is that I almost always let other people go first. I thought it was because I'm so tall. When you are really tall, you feel like you have to constantly disarm people. People are automatically intimidated by you, so you spend your whole life being nice and bending down to put your ear closer to theirs because, what can they do? Stand on their tip toes and shout? But I think it has fed right into my internalized sexism.
Here's my guilt about even bringing it up: I'm white, so how would I know what it feels like to be unseen, ignored or discriminated against because of my skin color? I only know because I watch it happen and it breaks my heart. And when I see people of color automatically step back and be #2 (or #3 or last) I recognize how I do that, too.
Again, my guilt at bringing it up: I'm not saying I want to be like Mr. Entitled Straight White Man who doesn't want to wait his turn and pushes his way to the front and assumes he should be #1 every single time - and doesn't even realize he's doing it. No, I'm just observing that being #2 is a difficult state of mind to break out of.
A few (not all) arena's in which I've accepted being #2 (and what I'm doing about it):
Marriage - Unconsciously and consciously making my spouse's needs more important than mine. Working very hard on shifting the balance, and Joe is, too.
Motherhood - It's hard not to be #2 for the first 18-20 years, but eventually you have to assert your rights. I'm trying.
Some friendships - I have more than a few in which I am the listener and supporter, but fortunately those are balanced out by my rock solid friends who give me a shitload of their time and energy.
There comes a time and a place when you just know you are better off being #1. You look around and you say to yourself, I know what I'm doing. I know, in fact, better than anyone else here. That's when you have to say, Move over, my friend. It's my turn. Trust me. I'm taking the breast.
You can really get stuck in being #2.
I'm thinking of a few different ways in which I've been #2 in my life. For like my whole life. When you are #2, you get used to saying, "Go ahead, #1. I'm good. I'll go after you. Take what you want. Really. No, go ahead and take the breast. I don't mind the leg."
You get used to sloppy seconds. You get used to letting other people go first. It's more polite to go second. But do you get to say what you really want to say and do what you really want to do? It's a mind fuck because it's internalized sexism which functions the same way as internalized racism or colonialism. You expect that the Man or the White Person or the Master are going to go first and take what they want. And you're just glad you're not last. Though often you are, especially if there are only two positions in line. You know what I'm talking about.
It's even hard to write about because it feels ungrateful or wrongly assertive. Worse, "unladylike." Whoa. Where does that shit come from?
All I know is that I almost always let other people go first. I thought it was because I'm so tall. When you are really tall, you feel like you have to constantly disarm people. People are automatically intimidated by you, so you spend your whole life being nice and bending down to put your ear closer to theirs because, what can they do? Stand on their tip toes and shout? But I think it has fed right into my internalized sexism.
Here's my guilt about even bringing it up: I'm white, so how would I know what it feels like to be unseen, ignored or discriminated against because of my skin color? I only know because I watch it happen and it breaks my heart. And when I see people of color automatically step back and be #2 (or #3 or last) I recognize how I do that, too.
Again, my guilt at bringing it up: I'm not saying I want to be like Mr. Entitled Straight White Man who doesn't want to wait his turn and pushes his way to the front and assumes he should be #1 every single time - and doesn't even realize he's doing it. No, I'm just observing that being #2 is a difficult state of mind to break out of.
A few (not all) arena's in which I've accepted being #2 (and what I'm doing about it):
Marriage - Unconsciously and consciously making my spouse's needs more important than mine. Working very hard on shifting the balance, and Joe is, too.
Motherhood - It's hard not to be #2 for the first 18-20 years, but eventually you have to assert your rights. I'm trying.
Some friendships - I have more than a few in which I am the listener and supporter, but fortunately those are balanced out by my rock solid friends who give me a shitload of their time and energy.
There comes a time and a place when you just know you are better off being #1. You look around and you say to yourself, I know what I'm doing. I know, in fact, better than anyone else here. That's when you have to say, Move over, my friend. It's my turn. Trust me. I'm taking the breast.
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