Thinkin Bout You

Or do you you not think so far ahead?

The ramp up to the holidays is like...you are on a freighter heading for the shore of the New Year and you cannot stop it. Even if the motors are all off, and we are 15 whole days away, we are uncontrollably speeding toward the rocky shore of January 1. So just sit back and let it happen, right? Wrong. There's the feeling that you need to take care of everything before the end of the year. Why? Because of taxes. Or simply, because it's the holiday season. Or, because people expect that from you. Or, it's just what I do every year.

It's hard to stay cheerful, amongst taking care of all the 2013 things you were supposed to do earlier, and now there are not 15 whole days, but really 5 or 6 "legitimate business days" left, and you feel inevitably cheated by time itself. Time is saying, "I won bitch." You have to accept that you really have only five days left, including today, because you have to accept that when December 23 falls on a Monday, you can't expect anyone to be "working," except those who have to. Let's not even talk about the thousands of Wallmart workers and homeless people who have to work every single day of the year. Solution: Don't shop. If you take that out, there's a lot more time left. Five days might even be enough time.

I broke my own vow and bought two, tiny hand-knit items, one for a teeny baby girl and another for a teenier, yet-to-be-born baby of unknown gender. I bought them from the knitter. I felt good that I wasn't paying for shipping or for any middle-men or store mark-up profits, I paid the real cost to the person who raised the alpaca, spun and died the wool, just kidding, I paid the person who knitted the sweater and hat, so it was pretty expensive. It seemed totally worth it. I'm imagining knitting tiny things with small needles taking a lot of skill and concentration, so I'd probably charge a lot, too. After buying those things, I said, "I'm done..." Though City Target has a way of luring me in for things I did not previously know I needed until I'm inside and it's too late.

What do you expect from the holidays? It's good to figure that out so you don't get pissed. A feeling of closeness to someone? Or closeness to a whole lot of people? It's unrealistic to say, I want a feeling of closeness to everyone. Though I take that back. I was experimenting recently standing on the corner of 7th and Market, kind of a bad corner, or let's say a corner where you can expect the unexpected, and I decided to see if my own facial expressions actually changed the way people looked to me. I softened my facial muscles, and put on a soft warm smile, and what I think of as doe eyes, (not deer in the headlight eyes), eyes that are innocent, that don't judge someone as psychopathic right off the bat. During this short experiment, I swear to god, even the psychopathic ranters looked better to me. And on that corner at all times there are a few insane people, who can be quite scary. I watched people pouring off the 9 San Bruno onto the bus stop island to share it with the (probably) insane, and I was amazed that all the faces seemed kinder and gentler than usual. There could be something here...

I just googled "micro facial expressions" and of course the #1 link is a best seller I could order right now and have on by bookshelf tomorrow called Emotions Revealed: 

Renowned psychologist Paul Ekman explains the roots of our emotions--anger, fear, disgust, sadness, and happiness--and shows how they cascade across our faces, providing clear signals to those who can identify the clues. 

What I'm trying to say, which I have no idea if Ekman says in his book, (even though I did read some paragraphs, including the book's conclusion that Amazon so kindly provided) is that you can actually affect your personal experience of life based on facial expressions you can consciously change (or at least can change in short bursts of consciousness when you remember and observe, and until and unless you are too old and all your expressions are carved too deeply to maneuver much). If I change my face to "kind and accepting," not only do people (weirdly) look better, they react to my nicer face. It can cause a change reaction. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to keep experimenting, but experience tells me, for example, when I'm a bitch in line, and have Bitch Face on, even if I don't say anything, I'm just being that bitch, things tend to go badly and spiral into worse. 

I'm telling myself that it's worth a try to simply change my outgoing face. Especially during the holiday season, if say, one is buying gifts or not buying gifts, it might be a good experiment... anytime.

These are all reasons I think it's dangerous to get plastic surgery. When you botox your worry lines away, what happens when you want to express concern to your boyfriend or child about an accident or a bad thing that happened? Your smooth forehead says, "I don't understand why your bleeding elbow is a problem," or "Am I supposed to be sorry that you didn't get into that college you had your heart set on?" or "I'm so sorry you got fired." Your blank forehead says, well, nothing. Because the botox* is "temporarily paralyzing" your face. I just decided I'm firmly against botox. I know some of my best friends have done it, or do it-- because I guess it's like an addiction. You need to re-do it every three months or suddenly you look much older, or think you look older than before. 

A cheaper answer: smile more. Soften your jaw and your eyes. The worst that could happen is your smile lines deepen. I think I'm going to try to remember that today: to notice my facial expressions, even when I'm sitting at the computer staring at the screen. Right now I'm trying it. This seems like an excellent and even marvelous place to stop.

*Botox is one of the many trade names for the neurotoxic protein called botulinum toxin that is produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum. In large doses, the protein causes botulism, a rare paralytic illness often linked to food poisoning. 

Everybody Daylight

Local 123.  Every face lit up by LED screens. Headphones on while sucking up Four Barrell.

Holiday parties encourage gluttony, obsessive trying of potluck dishes, toasts to survival, drinking excessively and therefore hangovers. Last night I only made it to two holiday parties of the four I had planned to attend. Perhaps meeting that overly ambitious schedule meant not trying every dish or drinking three glasses of wine at the first party. Kind of messed up the plan, but was good for end-of-year toasts. To want to go to four parties was gluttonous. And stupid. Especially when it meant traversing the Bay. Oh well. Will I figure it out next year?

Once again I am boycotting holiday traditions--not all, but the ones that have to do with shopping. Gave my whole family of origin copies of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg for Thanksgiving, more than I've given them in a couple of years -- in terms of material gifts. Maybe one or two of them will read it and change the way they communicate with their kids, their spouses, their siblings (including me), or with our parents. You can shove a book into someone's hands and turn on the light, but you cannot make them read. Or get it even if do they read it. No one else but me can help me get something. I have to want to get it. And be ready to get it.

Nonviolent communication or NVC has revolutionized conversation in my family. When conflict arises, which of course happens almost everyday, one of us will invoke our shared language and ask about the feelings and associated needs, so we can re-state our requests, and maybe even talk about strategies to address this particular issue differently in the future. It transforms shitty moments into, "Okay, I think I understand why I was acting so shitty, and thanks, yeah, for helping me figure it out." Then we move on about our business. Four out of five Benders have been practicing NVC now for two years or longer.

I gave a copy of NVC to my nephew who is a heroin addict. His addiction started with Xanex or "bars." He's only 19, and on his fourth or fifth rehab attempt. Or more. But something has changed in him. I saw it when we visited him two weeks ago. I don't know what changed. I wonder if it helps knowing that not only do his mom and dad and brothers, but his aunts and uncles and cousins all really want him to live. It's hard to break out of your own little nuclear family bubble and your own overwhelming work and personal needs to reach out to your struggling 19-year-old nephew who lives in another part of the state. It's hard to know what to do. I decided to start texting him, asking him how he is doing, and telling him how much I love him. He doesn't always write back, but I don't mind.

I hope that my beautiful nephew decides to live among us. He says he has to take it one hour at a time.

Hank to Hendrix

Hello Friends. I am up early waiting for Zoe, so we can take some stuff to storage. Then she gets on BART for SFO and Mexico to stay with Carolen and Wind for a month. Then I get on BART to go back to Berkeley.

Zoe just canceled the storage trip. "XXX decided at the last minute to go on an adventure, so no truck. I'm just gonna call it good," she said.

The struggle is more or less the same. I'm just a little older. On the outside. What is five months? Five years? Doing what I do.

I always expected that you would see me through. 
Can we get it together, can we still stand side by side?
Can we make it last, like a musical ride?

I talk. I write emails. I recently wrote a 200 page piece that I hope to share with you someday. It's about struggle.

I struggle to be a supportive parent to adult children. A supportive partner. A supportive friend. A supportive lover. But not too supportive. Not so supportive that I resent people and am so drained that I have nothing left. That is my biggest fear. That I don't know how to stop giving when I've given enough. I am a compulsive giver. It's not always a bad thing, but I think I am possibly disabling my kids, to some extent. (My secret hope and rationale is that I am modeling generosity.) I am a "needs-anticipator." I "move so quickly that people don't even know they need something before I have filled it." I am a "let's-do-it-right-now" kind of person. Why wait? I don't wait. I do. If you are too busy, I just do it myself. I don't like lists, because that shows future needs. I don't like "needs build-up." I like to take care of it.

Not everyone operates this way. That's difficult for me. I like working with people who, like me, like "right now." I like "taking the first step," even if it's leaving a message after business hours.

It's dawn on one of two of the eighth-shortest days of the year.

My adult children can hold forth in highly intellectual discussions with friends our age who have perfected their arguments. I feel good about this. Everyone agrees that "the system must change." That "capitalism is over." Then some of us go off to jobs, and others stay home and make art and think about capitalism changing. I often buy dinner. And plane tickets. I anticipate that I will be doing so until the day comes when they will have to buy me dinner and plane tickets. When I am too old for capitalism to support me anymore. When I can't "do it right now" without their help.