Acting My Age

So what if I don't act my age?

Maybe I feel more like a 17 year old sometimes. What's weird about being 51 is that I am all the people I have been, not just THIS person at THIS age. I AM that teenage girl who knew the power of my sexuality and used it. And I am the 23 year old recluse who cut off all my hair and stayed home to read erotic novels and screenplays for a living. And the 32 year old mother of three small children, married and living in Portland, having a long distance romance with a family friend. And the 37 year old back in the Bay Area living in a tiny hippie beach town and commuting to San Francisco to support my family, and partially insane from the pressure. And the 45 year old working two full time jobs with three teenagers at home and completely insane with the pressure, spending money wildly to compensate for the absolute lack of free time or privacy. 

And at every age, I was always looking for love. And love always found me.

Maybe I've always been a little bit insane. I've always wanted more, and taken on more than I could handle. Arianne thinks it's what keeps me happy: to have too much going on in my life.

And now I'm the woman with three mostly grown children, all older and wiser than I was at 17...And I'm still married, and still wanting more.

Maybe I'm greedy. Maybe I'll never be satisfied. I admit that I want it all...I want my husband to be there for me when I need him. I know what he is capable of, and I am grateful. But I still want more than he can give me.

I am finding a new freedom in accepting that the husband I chose will never support me financially. It's nothing new, but accepting that truth frees me from years of resentment, and allows me to love him for all that he does offer. And he offers a lot. He's always been honest about the limitation of his financial support. Why has it taken so long to accept? It's a relief.

I am responsible for myself. For my own happiness. And I finally get that I am also responsible for my own financial security. I officially release my husband from that pressure. He never accepted that responsibility to begin with, so I am releasing something internal, something false, something that was corrosive inside me, some orphaned notion that came between us and that I no longer need. I am officially financially independent. And it feels right. So I have a little debt? Who doesn't. It's my debt. I'll take care of it.

I am happy when I'm alone. I want more time with myself. To nurture the person who existed before the crazed hormonal breeding and getting in debt phases of life. I am that person before I had kids, before marriage. Before debt. Beyond all activities. Underneath the surface. There is a person, the 'I' that exists before and after.

When you turn 50 you realize you are over half way there. No denying it. The ratio of time left alive over the time already spent is getting smaller and smaller, and time goes faster and faster until you blink and a year has passed, and you blink again and you are on your deathbed looking around and wondering if you loved all the right people enough, and you hope that you told them, and hope they are all right there with you and holding your hand as you face the ultimate fear.

When you are 51 you have no time to waste, and you don't give a shit anymore what other people think. Because you KNOW you are in living in your integrity. You can act 17 and 23 and 32 and 45 all on the same day.

When you are 51 you can have a lover if you want one. And it's your business.

Is that what I want? If it is, I have no doubt a lover will find me.