In bed alone. My turn to spend the night alone in the studio. I went to bed as usual around 11:00, and woke up as usual at 5:30 and dozed until 6:30. It feels like a breakthrough of sorts, this sleeping well alone thing. It helps to have an awesome bed.
I want to write about the need to be alone even when you love someone very much. It's Esther Perel's thesis, and one to which I (obviously) very much subscribe: giving space in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship or marriage, is so crucial to maintaining the eroticism. It's hard to see someone as sexy when they blend in with your old pajamas. Having some nights alone and being good with it, even if it means wondering where your lover is or what he/she is doing--maybe especially if it means wondering/not knowing-- increases mutual desire. It just does. You have to learn to cope with your insecurities, and that wanton and potentially deadly emotion jealousy.
I'm doing well with it. Because I want to be able to spend time alone and unaccounted for myself. I want freedom, and that requires that I cope with my own insecurities and jealousies. I'm finding that when tested, I'm actually quite good at it. My commitment to my own freedom exceeds my reflex to possess. Of course, honesty is a key part of this equation.
When I was 17 and left home with my best friend Anny P., we developed a radical honesty policy in our friendship. Though over time I learned other approaches, the inclination to be honest even in the hardest situations has been part of my core being ever since. Joe is discovering and I am rediscovering the freedom afforded by honesty. Years of the 'Don't ask don't tell' policy took a serious toll on our intimacy, and never felt right to me. There were benefits to having secrets, and I got to understand the eroticism of secrets.
But being honest...It feels so raw at first, like skinny dipping or sleeping naked: as soon as you try it you immediately feel the benefits of being more free. The old way feels so clunky and cumbersome and frankly boring. It takes courage to be honest about your true feelings, especially those things that have been under severe veto filters in your speech patterns but have lived full lives in your very private self. But like anything, if you practice honesty, it starts to be more natural. And you start to ask yourself, Why was I hiding this for so long? It feels so good to let it out, let it breathe...
I want to write about the need to be alone even when you love someone very much. It's Esther Perel's thesis, and one to which I (obviously) very much subscribe: giving space in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship or marriage, is so crucial to maintaining the eroticism. It's hard to see someone as sexy when they blend in with your old pajamas. Having some nights alone and being good with it, even if it means wondering where your lover is or what he/she is doing--maybe especially if it means wondering/not knowing-- increases mutual desire. It just does. You have to learn to cope with your insecurities, and that wanton and potentially deadly emotion jealousy.
I'm doing well with it. Because I want to be able to spend time alone and unaccounted for myself. I want freedom, and that requires that I cope with my own insecurities and jealousies. I'm finding that when tested, I'm actually quite good at it. My commitment to my own freedom exceeds my reflex to possess. Of course, honesty is a key part of this equation.
When I was 17 and left home with my best friend Anny P., we developed a radical honesty policy in our friendship. Though over time I learned other approaches, the inclination to be honest even in the hardest situations has been part of my core being ever since. Joe is discovering and I am rediscovering the freedom afforded by honesty. Years of the 'Don't ask don't tell' policy took a serious toll on our intimacy, and never felt right to me. There were benefits to having secrets, and I got to understand the eroticism of secrets.
But being honest...It feels so raw at first, like skinny dipping or sleeping naked: as soon as you try it you immediately feel the benefits of being more free. The old way feels so clunky and cumbersome and frankly boring. It takes courage to be honest about your true feelings, especially those things that have been under severe veto filters in your speech patterns but have lived full lives in your very private self. But like anything, if you practice honesty, it starts to be more natural. And you start to ask yourself, Why was I hiding this for so long? It feels so good to let it out, let it breathe...
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