Joe and I are working on our Nonviolent Communication skills. It seems so simple and is so hard to practice in the moment. When listening, you have to stay so conscious and "listen with your whole being" for what people are really saying, then paraphrase, help them articulate what it is that they need. It's usually about connection, as in, we are all struggling to connect with each other. And when talking, it's so hard to take responsibility for your own feelings and express what you need in a tone that can be heard. Because being heard is a step towards connection. It sounds simplistic, and it is. Deconstructing all the complications of our communication is very, very hard. It takes everyday practice to get good at it.
The author Marshall B. Rosenberg (MBR) is superhuman. Joe and I read chapters aloud to each other because it's cheaper than therapy. In between our NVC nights we can be such assholes to each other. Or in NVC, "I observe that I often forget how to communicate clearly what I'm feeling and what I need, and as a result, I blame you for not understanding me." Or, "I often forget to bring my whole being to listening to you, and when I am not really listening, I have a hard time hearing what you are really saying, what you really need."
I'm a novice and generally suck at this. My own kids are better at it than I am (and point it out). But I will keep working on it. There's a whole vocabulary - not new words, but a different, more highly attuned attention to words that express feelings. Recognizing fake expressions of feelings, such as "I feel misunderstood," which is really an assessment of the other person's level of understanding. Maybe more accurate to say, "I feel annoyed," or "I feel sad."
Listening and not giving advice, or accepting blame, or blaming others, but sensing people's feelings and needs. This can be so hard when someone is yelling, or using "that tone" with "that face" that triggers your own negativity. You have patterns. It's so easy to blame and feel like shit.
What would it mean to practice NVC all the time? It would be so much cleaner. So much unnecessary conflict would be averted. It would require a commitment to staying conscious. That's hard to do the way we live. Drinking, trying to be funny, working, getting to BART. Who has time to be conscious all the time?
Who has time to be an asshole?
The author Marshall B. Rosenberg (MBR) is superhuman. Joe and I read chapters aloud to each other because it's cheaper than therapy. In between our NVC nights we can be such assholes to each other. Or in NVC, "I observe that I often forget how to communicate clearly what I'm feeling and what I need, and as a result, I blame you for not understanding me." Or, "I often forget to bring my whole being to listening to you, and when I am not really listening, I have a hard time hearing what you are really saying, what you really need."
I'm a novice and generally suck at this. My own kids are better at it than I am (and point it out). But I will keep working on it. There's a whole vocabulary - not new words, but a different, more highly attuned attention to words that express feelings. Recognizing fake expressions of feelings, such as "I feel misunderstood," which is really an assessment of the other person's level of understanding. Maybe more accurate to say, "I feel annoyed," or "I feel sad."
Listening and not giving advice, or accepting blame, or blaming others, but sensing people's feelings and needs. This can be so hard when someone is yelling, or using "that tone" with "that face" that triggers your own negativity. You have patterns. It's so easy to blame and feel like shit.
What would it mean to practice NVC all the time? It would be so much cleaner. So much unnecessary conflict would be averted. It would require a commitment to staying conscious. That's hard to do the way we live. Drinking, trying to be funny, working, getting to BART. Who has time to be conscious all the time?
Who has time to be an asshole?
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