I went to see Intersections: LOVE:SEX:PORN:ART: Our Intimate Identity last week at Yerba Buena. It was curated by Madison Young of FeminaPotens. I am still digesting the experience.
I grew up in a different era. As a kid, I would sneak into the hiding place between the sliding glass window and my parents kingsize bed (with Don Draper's gold bedspread), and read Playboy. I read every cartoon, every letter to the editor, and gazed at every centerfold. That was porn for me. And it was a special, private experience (that I am now sharing on the internet). It helped me understand that sex wasn't actually dirty. It could tell it was good.
There was porn porn then, of course. But I didn't know about it.
Now it's different.
I've queried people from Bolinas to Zurich, and most young men by age 12 are looking at hardcore porn on the internet.
I am not against sex-positivity. I'm for it.
I am not against sex work. It's been a fact of life for thousands of years.
Yet I have misgivings about the reality that young boys (and girls I'm sure) are imprinting their lifelong sexuality with porn. I worry that bondage and submission games that I am only beginning to understand cannot possibly be understood by preteen boys.
I worry that the women in front of the camera, even if they soberly and confidently choose to be there, which was the case for all the women who performed at the Yerba Buena Femina Potens event, will not always want their vulnerability out there for literally anyone in the world to view. Forever.
At the event, after watching some seriously disturbing scenes onscreen and moving live performances, and listening to these beautiful women speak so confidently, I was very challenged by my own background and feelings. These women, all 31 or younger, have chosen to own their decisions to enter the world of porn. Three out of five are no longer doing sex work or sex performance, but they are all talking about it in other ways. Publicly and intelligently. Which is refreshing.
Maybe my misgivings are no longer relevant.
Maybe my old-school fear that there is still abuse and coercion behind the scenes is just not true anymore. I heard from these women, some of whom are now directors and authors of books and screenplays, that they had much more control over the content of the porn scenes than I had ever imagined.
Maybe these women, and women I know that have gone on to be serious professionals in other arenas, are on the front lines of third wave feminism, truly making strides in the sex-positivity arena, countering the forces of female objectification. I believe this to be true.
Yet I struggle with it. I hate the idea of men never growing up, hiding behind their computer screens, jerking off to fantasies of women who never tell them to curtail their video games. I worry about a generation of people losing the ability to talk about their feelings face-to-face and to engage in "real sex."
I know just saying that is really controversial. The young women I meet are so together on this subject. Does this post reveal more about my prejudice that men are often beasts? Or the fear that our culture in San Francisco and all the healthy sex-positivity is simply not the reality everywhere else?
Am I just paranoid? Maybe people everywhere, including young boys, are more sophisticated than I give them credit for.
How do you feel about it?
I grew up in a different era. As a kid, I would sneak into the hiding place between the sliding glass window and my parents kingsize bed (with Don Draper's gold bedspread), and read Playboy. I read every cartoon, every letter to the editor, and gazed at every centerfold. That was porn for me. And it was a special, private experience (that I am now sharing on the internet). It helped me understand that sex wasn't actually dirty. It could tell it was good.
There was porn porn then, of course. But I didn't know about it.
Now it's different.
I've queried people from Bolinas to Zurich, and most young men by age 12 are looking at hardcore porn on the internet.
I am not against sex-positivity. I'm for it.
I am not against sex work. It's been a fact of life for thousands of years.
Yet I have misgivings about the reality that young boys (and girls I'm sure) are imprinting their lifelong sexuality with porn. I worry that bondage and submission games that I am only beginning to understand cannot possibly be understood by preteen boys.
I worry that the women in front of the camera, even if they soberly and confidently choose to be there, which was the case for all the women who performed at the Yerba Buena Femina Potens event, will not always want their vulnerability out there for literally anyone in the world to view. Forever.
At the event, after watching some seriously disturbing scenes onscreen and moving live performances, and listening to these beautiful women speak so confidently, I was very challenged by my own background and feelings. These women, all 31 or younger, have chosen to own their decisions to enter the world of porn. Three out of five are no longer doing sex work or sex performance, but they are all talking about it in other ways. Publicly and intelligently. Which is refreshing.
Maybe my misgivings are no longer relevant.
Maybe my old-school fear that there is still abuse and coercion behind the scenes is just not true anymore. I heard from these women, some of whom are now directors and authors of books and screenplays, that they had much more control over the content of the porn scenes than I had ever imagined.
Maybe these women, and women I know that have gone on to be serious professionals in other arenas, are on the front lines of third wave feminism, truly making strides in the sex-positivity arena, countering the forces of female objectification. I believe this to be true.
Yet I struggle with it. I hate the idea of men never growing up, hiding behind their computer screens, jerking off to fantasies of women who never tell them to curtail their video games. I worry about a generation of people losing the ability to talk about their feelings face-to-face and to engage in "real sex."
I know just saying that is really controversial. The young women I meet are so together on this subject. Does this post reveal more about my prejudice that men are often beasts? Or the fear that our culture in San Francisco and all the healthy sex-positivity is simply not the reality everywhere else?
Am I just paranoid? Maybe people everywhere, including young boys, are more sophisticated than I give them credit for.
How do you feel about it?
I worry about this as well for my 15yr old son and 12yr old daughter. Hopefully they both will have enough self respect and respect others to realize people aren't objects to be had but are amazing individuals and how to share and respect others bodies and lifestyles. As I say this I have already had to deal with porn issues and talk with my son about "there is more to sex than just the physical", or why the ladies razor commercial is about shrubbery to my daughter. let's hope that with all the positives of todays views of sex, that the negatives will be easier to squash. I won't know until I see my kids in healthy happy relationships.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this reply. Many people have approached me to discuss this topic since I posted it, thanked me for bringing it up. But they don't leave comments on the site for some reason. I think it's politically incorrect in San Francisco to question porn. As if doing so renounces third wave feminism. As if only straight evengelical men are against porn while secretly consuming it (which they do), or as if by questioning it I am brainwashed and conservative. Which is bullshit.
Yeah, we won't know until our kids are in healthy happy relationships. It's really tough to speak with your own kids about porn, because it crosses a line of privacy just to discuss sex with them. They have to be at least in their 20's to have a decent discussion. Even then, it can be awkward.
Sounds like you are on the right track in keeping the conversation alive.
Kim