Am I a good mom?

I don't know how I survived raising three kids. And almost had four.

I wonder if I was a good mom. I realize I tried to make up for the feeling of not having enough attention as a child by giving my kids more of what I thought they needed. Sometimes that was and still is too much. Fortunately they tell me. It's worse when they don't tell me. I'm also sure I neglected my kids at times. I'm sure they will tell me all about that, too, as they become adults and can afford therapy.

But you never do everything right. The only judge of how well you parented is how your kids turn out, and even then, you don't have total control. You can only provide the foundation. Just like your own parents had very little control over what you decided to do with your life. Or didn't decide, and what just happened.  But they did provide the feeling base. The invisible world of feeling that was your house. The place your emotional life grew up...Or didn't grow up.

I think my kids are turning out pretty okay. I'm getting past the judgment based upon whether they are "successful" as measured by our society's usual standards: whether they go to college, which college they go to, whether they have high paying jobs.

My kids are not going that route. Or at least not the straight route from high school to college to full-time jobs to marriage to home-ownership. It's scary sometimes,even though it's like, what did I expect coming from me and Joe as their parents? We didn't live that trajectory. Our kids want to take the off-beat to a higher level. But it's ironic for me that I'm out there telling the world as part of my job how important it is for youth to be "college ready." I believe that. And yet two of my own college age kids are not, thus far, choosing college.

You have to admit, it kind of sucks out there for young people these days. So many of my kids' friends who went to college are coming out with massive debt and can't find an entry level job. My boys think that is absurd. But I still hope they someday decide on their own to pursue higher education. I am adamant, however, that they not take on huge student loans. Now I'm happy when I see them reading and pursuing serious intellectual thought on their own.

Being a boy and becoming a man seems to be extra hard these days. Being the mom of boys becoming men, I can tell you, is really challenging. Where are the really great role models? How many women do you know that are single and yet you cannot recommend one single man as a possible partner? I mean really recommend?

I hope my boys become men who can be really great partners and be happy in life. Honestly, I don't care what they do, as long as it's not harmful to others or themselves. Be good people. Be happy. Be someone I want to spend time with. Be giving, be sensitive and emotionally intelligent, but be strong.

My sons may not go to college, and while that will be extra challenging for me and probably for them in the long run, they have their own lives now. They will make mistakes. I cannot prevent them from making some whoppers. I will want to prevent them from making bad decisions. But they will.

Notice I am not talking about my daughter. She is 25 and shows all signs of being a very happy person who is capable of having a great deal of love in her life. So I can stop worrying about her, I think.

For now.